I Am Not What I Once Was
by Alantie Mistaniu
Summary: Deep down he knew it was a lie. He had done something unforgivable in the depths of his deep grief and personal agony. Dark CxA.


A/N: Another one for a challenge on CxA. The theme is: _42. Any - "non sum qualis eram" (translates to: "I Am Not What I Once Was"). OCG or AC._ Just so you know, this is meant to be dark, and leave you wondering. _I_ know what I believe happens, but it will be interesting to see what you think.

Disclaimer: Owns nothing

**I Am Not What I Once Was**

It was the same thing repeated over and over every moment his eyes closed in slumber. Ever since that awful night. The night when he-

No.

He couldn't think of it. Nothing had happened. Nothing at all.

Deep down he knew it was a lie. He had done something unforgivable in the depths of his deep grief and personal agony. It was a horrible sin, though it was done with good intentions. But the road to hell was paved with good intentions.

It was shoved deep down into the depths of his soul as he carried on, his eyes set forward as they continued on their quest. Sometimes he wondered if any of the others knew, if they had guessed what he had done. Or maybe it was only his own guilty conscience plaguing him. It would certainly explain the vividly horrific nightmares. He knew he had sinned against nature, no matter how well meant it had been.

_Cold. Icy cold, piercing through his body like a twisting blade as he clutched her frozen, dripping frame against his warmth. Skin pale, chilled, the color of marble, still soft as silk beneath his trembling fingertips. _

_Oh Shiva- what was he thinking? He couldn't- he couldn't- But it would be worse to live without her. Never again seeing that sweet smile, never again gazing into those depthless emerald pools like liquid Lifestream._

_Grief so tangible it nearly chocked him spread through his body and his mind was made up in that split second. The small blade glittered wickedly in his clasped hand as he lifted his left wrist to slightly parted lips, pressing the sharp edge against his flesh. A sharp twist and then scarlet-black blood trickled down, a striking contrast against bone white flesh._

_His breath stilled, mind ignoring the numbing pain and the faint shriek of rationality. The only sound was the frantic beating of his heart, so loud in the silence, not even the water lapping around his calves making a sound._

_Then eyes, glittering like a cat's in the darkness slitted open as icy fingers touched his wrist-_

He woke in a cold sweat, panting, his sapphire eyes wide through the gloom. At his feet Nanaki shifted and sighed in his sleep, his flame tail twitching as he dreamed. Cid and Barret's familiar snores filtered through the peaceful quiet, each louder than the last. Tifa and Yuffie lay back to back for warmth while Vincent, brooding and silent in his scarlet cloak was perched on a branch overhead, keeping watch.

Slowly he lay back down, trying to regulate his breathing, despite the chills wracking his frame. Just another dream. After having the same one every night since she had- He would have thought he would be used to it by now. But no. The horror would not fade into the shadows where it belonged.

Absently he rubbed his aching wrist, trying to dispel the bitter cold that seemed to have worked its way deep into his bones. His glove had slid down, just enough to expose the pale white scar on his wrist.

_Horror mixed with a twisted sense of joy held him captive as those icy lips closed over the wound, licking the dark blood that welled from the slash, those haunting eyes holding his in that frightening white face._

_Sweet Planet. . .what had he done?_

_Graceful and deadly as any predator, the fingers slid lightly up from his wrist, trailing across his arm. Though bitterly cold, the caress burned like fire, his heart rate skyrocketing. Spellbound, he could not move, staring into that compelling face even as the long slender fingers closed in a frozen hold around the back of his neck, the lithe weight of his burden suddenly heavy._

None of them seemed surprised when he told them he was leaving. It had only been a month after their triumph in saving the Planet, but his companions sensed there was something wrong with him, something that they couldn't heal or help with. Not that some of them hadn't given it their best try to help and keep him. Tifa especially had been reluctant to let him go, but in the end, Barret convinced her there was no help for it.

He had been cold, so very cold ever since she had been taken from them. Not in attitude- there had been warmth there mixed with his typical aloofness. No, it was his body that never seemed able to shake off the chill, even in the warmest day in Cosmo Canyon he would shiver and shake. It was as if the icy waters of her grave had cursed him to always feel the chill that embraced her body for all eternity.

And his nightmares had become worse. So bad that he could no longer hide the fact that they plagued him from his friends, especially not when he woke up them up from a dead sleep with his thrashing and gasping yells. They couldn't help. They knew it, and so did he. Whatever haunted him would not leave, and so he would go instead. And there was only one place he could go, one place that both repelled and called to him in a siren's voice.

_His back hit the muddy ground of the bank, a sharp intake of breath escaping his lips, but the frigid hold on him never wavered. Seductively, fluidly, the weight slid up his body to settle more evenly on him, keeping him held captive. The free fingers tangled in his hair with a gentle caress, even as the cold lips descended on his bared throat._

_He woke hours later alone on the bank, the lake waters lapping quietly at his shoes. There was no sign of what had happened. Or had it? Had it all been just . . ._

It was just as he remember it. Dark, quiet waters, framed by the white shell monument and the glowing creamy luminescent trees. The place where he had lost her to a madman's blade. The place where he had laid her still warm body to rest in the icy water. The place where his nightmares came to life.

The hair on the back of his neck prickled in warning, and he swung around, pupils dilating as he scanned the shadows for the eyes that watched him, for the danger he felt hunting him.

He reached for the handle of the sword slung across his back, but his fingers went limp and slack around the hilt, his breath stopping in his throat as a melodic voice spoke to him from the gloom.

"Would you have me killed a second time, Cloud?"

Voice drying in his throat, he could only stare wide eyed at the slender delicate figure that suddenly came into view. Long mahogany hair tumbled in mussed waves nearly to her feet, eyes glowing even in the shadows. Her normally pale skin was even whiter than he remembered. Her red jacket was gone, only the rose colored gown hugging her lithe frame. Her feet were bare.

"I couldn't harm you," he managed to croak out as she came nearer, his entire body suddenly seized by the mad desire to flee or to draw his blade in a lightning fast motion.

Her lips curved into a slight sad smile. "Ah, but your body wants to, does it not? You know deep down what it's trying to tell you." There was a flash of glittering, sharp teeth, gone before he could verify if his eyes had been deceiving him. "Even if your mind refuses to accept it, your body knows when it's in the presence of a hunter. I'm not what I once was."

"You're you," he whispered. "No matter what wrong I've done to you." He exhaled shakily, turning slightly from her. "And if you want to take my life because of it. . . I would more than understand."

She slipped nearer, her feet soundless on the ground, making no noise. "Oh no, Cloud," she murmured. "First off. . . it's not that simple to flee the repercussions of what you've done. Such things are not lightly broken. You bought in blood, and must pay in blood. It belongs to me; I live now because of it. We are bonded by it."

Letting out a shaky breath, he inclined his head in agreement. "Have you come for my life, Aerith? Is that why I've had the nightmares, the fear, the guilt?"

"Hmm," she sighed, sounding slightly amused and exasperated at the same time. "Is that what you think? That I want to kill you?"

He jumped at the light caress of fingers at the back of his neck, frozen at the soft breath there, the lightest brush of lips.

"If I wanted to, I could have done so already, dear heart." She pressed a light kiss just above his pulse point, and once again his heart sped up. "You're so fragile, Cloud. So very fragile. But. . ." her mouth paused, voice deepening as her free arm snaked around his waist, pressing herself against his back. "You're mine."

He couldn't stop the gasp that escaped his lips as fangs sank into his throat, eyes rolling back in his head as he slumped back against her support, the world fading in a pleasant dizzy humming.


End file.
